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The 5th Column

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The 5th Column
Bringing the most revolutionary news to you on NationStates and in the LCN!
5thcolumn.png
T5C.jpeg
Screenshot of The 5th Column from July 16, 2020.
TypeDigital newspaper
Owner(s)Spode Humbled Minions
Founder(s)Spode Humbled Minions
PublisherSpode Publishing Industries
Staff writers1
Political alignmentNon-partisan
LanguageEnglish
HeadquartersLikely Indonesia
CountryLcnnsflag.png The League of Conservative Nations
Circulation2019-present
Readership1,200 as of July 2020
Websitewww.thefifthcolumn.org[1]

The 5th Column is a newspaper founded and operated by Spode Humbled Minions. The newspaper is published in The League of Conservative Nations and is likely heaquartered in Indonesia. The newspaper acted as a successor to Spode's previous media venture, The Science of NS, which ran with three editions from June 11, 2017 to October 4, 2018 with both limited quality, and success.

The newspaper is the LCN's most popular and succeeded the LCN Weekly, operated by Doge Republics, as the sole newspaper of the LCN and the most popular newspaper of the LCN.

History

The 5th Column was founded by Spode Humbled Minions sometime in late July 2019. Spode Humbled Minions continues to own and operate The 5th Column.

Organization

Staff

The 5th Column employs one person.

Content

The 5th Column published all sorts of content. As written on the main site of the newspaper:

Feel free to telegram me or send me a discord DM if you wish to be published. I'll publish anything, opinions, IRL news, etc! Spode Publishing Industries does not endorse or condone ANY content published here.[1]

Products

The 5th Column publishes all its news soley in a digital format.

Edition 1

Article 1 (ED 1)

Article 1 - Should the LCN have Sharia Law? 7/28/19

We go live to the LCN discord, where Greater Sacramento, our friendly guide to Islam, is informing us on his radical new plan to innovate the region.

Spode: Why do you think the LCN needs Sharia Law?

Greater Sacramento: You see, the Jews... Have been hurting our region.

Quebecshire: *mutes Greater Sacramento*

[EDIT]

Greater Sacramento later went on to clarify (while Quebecshire was picking up a pizza) that he also believes that removing women from leadership positions, and the worship of Allah were both pastimes that should be cemented in regional culture. The sincerity of these comments comes into question considering that GS is the sponsor of the recent legislative push towards secularism in the LCN government.

The article was well received by the public.

Article 2 (ED 1)

Article 2 - Is the LCN discriminatory? 7/28/19

Using high tech methodology, it was recently discovered by LCN government officials that they are all males. The 100% of the LCN leadership being male is contrasted with a recent poll in the forums showing that less then 100% of NS is male.

Evidence.png

Evidence above

This finding brings up questions. Important questions. Ones that people like the evil male Quebecshire don't want you to ask... As such, we asked someone the government doesn't like, the glourious contributor, Greater Sacramento, for some insight as to this situation.

The Interview w/ Greater Sacramento

Spode: What's your take on the clear discrimination that the government has (on women)?

GS: I think it is great!

Spode: Do you think steps should be taken to gain more women in leadership positions?

GS: No, instead we should do the opposite.

Spode: Can you elaborate?

GS: We must abide by Sharia law and prohibit women from taking part in anything

Spode: What does "anything" entail?

GS: Government positions specifically

Spode: Okay, thanks for your time- Before we wrap this up, do you have any final words on the matter?

GS: Yes I believe our region can thrive with Islam. The [Censored for the protection of the 5th column] such as [Censored for the protection of the 5th column] have cause[d] too much trouble and I believe with Sharia Law we can thrive and grow. Sponge Bob is a great example of how a good Muslim can successful by holding possession of a pineapple that was a gift from Allah. If we are to live we must end the [Censored for the protection of the 5th column] and bring Islam to glory.

The article was well received by the public.

Article 3 (ED 1)

Article 3 - Quebecshire grows hemp*! 7/29/19

In the LCN VC, our investigative reporter(s) discovered the so called 'leader' of the LCN, Chief Consul Quebecshire was involved in the illict activity of growing hemp*. The implications of his actions are clear- What were just memes about '420' and 'blaze it' are no longer fiction*. Soon, the elitists of the LCN will be killing animals with lightsabers, tearing down temples, and setting things on fire while in their weed-crazed state*.

Hemp.jpg

Artist's rendering of the LCN Minecraft server

Clearly, this is just another action that shows the legitimacy of the current regime occupying the LCN. This, combined with the fact that they are already oppressing women should be a warning beacon to all good revolutionary regions and citizens therein that the LCN is not to be trusted.

  • in Minecraft

The article was well received by the public.

Article 4 (ED 1)

Article 4 - The LNN's Corruption EXPOSED 7/29/19

Thanks to an anonymous tip from [censored for their protection], it was discovered that the LNN, the LCN News Network for the non-ethnic LCNers out there, has been exposed for activies such as...

Censoring articles

Punishing authors making 'unsuitable' articles

Pushing an agenda

All of this madness was in an effort to suppress the truth about the true shape of the Earth. According to our anonymous source-

"The League Government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the fact the earth is flat. I cannot say much more to implicate myself, however I now for a fact they have censored articles for the Leagues News Network where I talked about the flatness of the world"

Reaction from the government was swift, Quebecshire disowned any censorship being conducted (saying that he was 'unaware') and the LNN declared war on our newspaper.

This is why we need news sources like The 5th Column- Without us, there would be no news except the crony news.

Stay strong, revolutionaries out there!

The article was well received by the public.

Anouncement

Little Announcement ;)

We've recieved our first downvote as a newspaper!

It's okay! I'm not angry AND I DEFINITELY WON'T HIRE THUGS TO BREAK YOUR DAMN KNEES

Stay revolutionary!

The announcement started a riot.

Article 5 (ED 1)

Article 5 - Zion Conducts Accidental Terror Attack on Quebecshire 8/1/19

This article uses Spode Publishing Industrial's cutting edge DRM!

The highest bidder on this card -LINK-[2] by the end of the auction will have EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS (Including a decryption key) to the article!

ed nedwlbtjk kmato- kcw fbtda xwtawb itp qwkbtowa qo kcw jmbnwb nmbnmd. tjkwb td wzwdedf ntbgwa qo uywqwlpcebw’p gedadwpp (t cmypw itp vbmzeawa km hemd, jbww mj lctbfw), hemd txxmiwa t lbwwvwb tllwpp km uywqwlpcebw’p cmypw, xwtaedf km pwbemyp vbmvwbko atntfw. tp vtonwdk jmb kcw atntfw, hemd itp edaylkwa edkm edawdkybwa pwbzekyaw, qyk kcwd vbmlwwawa km atntfw uywqwlpcebw’p lbmvp. cep vydepcnwdk jmxxmiedf kcep itp qwedf pcmlgwa km awtkc iekc nmaawa jmblw xefckedf qo t pkmdwa uywqwlpcebw. pm, km lmdlxyaw- uywqwlpcebw bwtppwbkwa kcw bwfemd’p pktdlw tftedpk nmbnmdp tda pcmiwa kctk myb xwtawbp iexx yvcmxa kcw bwfemd’p ztxywp wzwd icexw dmk md dp.

This article is the exclusive property of Eminople

The article was not well received by the public.

Article 6 (ED 1)

First off, as head publisher, I'd like to look over some milestones we've accomplished within one week of opening. Namely, just last night, with the auctioning of the rights to article #5, we overtook both the LCN Crier, and the League News Network for most profitable newspaper in LCN history. And while this might not be true, I believe that this newspaper may be the most profitable (by 'u currency') of any newspaper in NS history. That's a lot of milestones for one night!

Meme.png

Meme made by Creeperopolis

Also, The 5th Column has been featured in a region, Creepers dead puppets featured us- Marking themselves as the first regional featuring that we've secured so far! Also along with last night's... more questionable actions, there was Marnady, who stole a hefty sum from an ethnic LCNer! As such, the The 5th Column has declared war on the puny nation. We're not planning on stopping with our great progress- The 5th Column is the future after all, and the future is now! Hopefully we have many more milestones to celebrate in the future!

Stay revolutionary!

The article was not well received by the public.

Article 7 (ED 1)

Article 7 - An Open Letter to Farmers

You know that ditch on the side of the road? The town owns it (you don't pay taxes on it- don't worry), and it's called the right-of-way. So, since you have literally no tie to that land, can you stop planting your D[censored by NS*] CORN on it. Now, my reasoning for why you should is pretty simple- In the state of Wisconsin, unless otherwise marked, a county road is 55 mph (~88.5 kph for metric). So, on many country roads, you have something like this...

Farmer 1.png

Things to notice, one road has to stop, and the through road is still going at 55 miles per hour! So, what's my issue with corn? Well, the more perceptive people reading this will have already picked up on the fact that the you really need to be looking out for a car on the through road. And while it's not a particularly credible source, the website "The Car Crash Detective"[3] has a passage talking about the survival odds of this sort of crash, to quote,

Similarly, if you’re t-boned at 55 mph, you’re already at 315% of the forces your vehicle was designed to keep you alive in. Once again, anyone on the impacted side of the vehicle is probably going to die.

Being a sane member of the human race, and therefore not one to enjoy premature deathpacito, I find the following somewhat disturbing as a result.

Farmer 2.png

Hmmm.... Wow, I'd like to see a car coming... BUT YOU PLANTING F[censored by NS*] CORN THERE DIDN'T YOU My art abilities are trash, but it's even worse IRL then in this bad paint drawing.

Anyhow, stop it- Or the town will come up with their own tractor and, on their property (the ditch/right-of-way), will annihilate your s[censored by NS*] corn.

Farmer 3.png

The article was well received by the public.

The article caused a scandal. See Criticism and Controversies lower in this article for more information on the "Naughty Words" Scandal.

Article 8 (ED 1)

Article 8 - A Serious Examination of Nexus’s Rumination on Regional Political Systems

Nexus’s arguments against the current system of the consulate are, to quote

“...there exists an unelected body...”

“...infinite term length and such a pervasive and significant realm of political influence...”

“The fact that the consulate operates between branches of government (legislative and judiciary) and facilitates the administration of both is evidence enough of their overstepping of bounds (bounds not defined in the constitution, but in the measure of what a democracy with a separation of powers looks like)”

To simplify these arguments down, Nexus’s overall point is that we had an unelected, permanent, executive branch that violates the separation of powers.

Nexus’s call to action is that “We need to focus massively on efforts to reform the constitution and therefore the government, and to restore republican democracy - that is, voting for representatives for a constituency.” However, before embarking on that massive effort, perhaps it would be informative to look at the past governments of the LCN and why we have ended up with the current constitution. Now, in order to do this in a timely fashion, we’ll only be looking at the responsibilities and restrictions of the executive branch under each constitution.

While it appears that the first and second constitutions are gone, we can still discover some about them by the conversations that happened on the RMB at the time. Firstly, under the first constitution, term limits were nonexistent. Secondly, there were 11 positions of governance- Remember that.

Moving to the 2nd Constitution, there were only 9 positions of governance, with many more positions created for emphasis on military affairs rather than government.

When we hit the 3rd Constitution, we were down to 7. The reason this happened is that we learned from our own history that having a position for everything was not a feasible method of governance, and that checks and balances needed to be, in part, put aside for effective and efficient work to be done. However, we still have checks and balances. The judicial system can hold a consul responsible, consuls can hold a consul in check- The chief consul has no more power than a non-chief consul. Look at Salisford as an example.

The following is Article III of the 3rd constitution.


Article III - Executive Branch

§ 1º The Executive Branch is composed of the President, the Vice-President and the Founder.

§ 2º The President is the region's main figure, commanding his cabinet and guaranteeing the success of the region. § 3º The President is the region's chief diplomat.

§ 4º The President can create and destroy cabinet positions, the only exception being the Department of Defense.

§ 5º The President may enact Executive Orders, which are quick decisions to alter the region in some way. Executive Orders must be approved by a simple majority of the members of the President's Cabinet. These Executive Orders must be justified and constitutional. If they aren't, the Chief Justice may strike them down.

§ 6º Executive Orders must not be unconstitutional or contradict already existing law. They must also not alter the constitution. Abuse of this power may result in suspension of this power by the Chief Justice.

Amendment I, September the 17th: Executive Orders can be used to cancel former Executive Orders. That cancellation must be explicitly declared in the proposed document.

Amendment II, September the 17th: In the event that one Executive Order unconsciously cancels another, the most recently passed Executive Order shall be nullified by the Chief Justice.

§ 7º An Executive Order can be overturned by the Regional Senate with ⅔ of the votes.

§ 8º Presidential terms are 2 months long.

§ 9º A President may serve a maximum of 2 consecutive terms.

§ 10º A President may serve an unlimited amount of terms.

§ 11º The Vice-President is a placeholder who must assume the presidency in case the President is unable to do his job.

§ 12º The Vice-President may optionally supervise cabinet members, aiding the President while he's still able to do his job.

§ 13º The Vice-President may be impeached just like the President.

§ 14º The Founder holds unlimited, unrestricted powers, but is not exempt from this constitution.

§ 15º The Founder may run for a government position and become a bureaucrat, as long as he makes use of the powers granted to the position he was elected to represent only.

§ 16º The Founder has the responsibility to stay active to keep the region safe from invaders.

§ 17º The Founder must not make use of his powers unless he's needed as a last resort to avoid the region's, its government's and its democracy's destruction.


The third constitution was the most advanced legal documentation this region has probably seen, but also ushered in an age of inactivity. Then, Quebecshire wrote the document that established the NRC and thus allowed for the fourth republic to be founded.

“As I sit here, with my papers for schoolwork alongside a pen in front of me, and a glass of water to my right, I've been thinking. I will admit, it has been a less than pleasant night. I have come to some sorts of a crossroads in leading us. I am staunch in the idea that we cannot repeat the past, and I have been forced to confront the fact that Adawn may never come back, that Andrew Du is gone for the most part and not who he was before, that Icaris is no longer active and involved like he once was, and that Gerryasomis has lost a general interest in the game and our functions. I am not quite sure what I am to do for this region anymore, it almost seems as if it is not the same, perhaps this is myself being tired, and my general mood, but I fear that I have become a leader of the past and not the future of this region. I am not sure what awaits the future of this region, and I am not sure how we are to handle it. I am not sure if I am to guide us into the future myself, or if my time here has passed. In lieu of giving up on the region, or hiding away from my thoughts on this matter, as President of the League of Conservative Nations, I hereby declare the following referendum.

Option One - Maintain the constitutional and governmental status quo.

Option Two - Dissolve the current Constitution and hand executive authority over to the National Committee on Reconstruction, which will be chaired by myself. Seats on this committee will be offered to the following. Manchukuo and mengkukuo, Neo Polisophos, Salisford, The Nexus Union, Kanjuura, Icaris, Caezar.” - The post that started the poll leading to the NCR’s foundation.

The rest is history.

Major differences to check out in the 4th Republic’s Constitution

No elections for executive roles

A major shift away from the american influence that was felt in the first three constitutions. Basically, the first constitution was just a

reformatted American constitution, and the region hurt for that.

Let's examine article two of the 4th constitution for a moment.


ARTICLE TWO - THE CONSULATE OF THE REPUBLIC

Section One - Purpose and Establishment

I. The Consulate is to be formed of three sitting Consuls of the Republic, equal in authority yet organized by the Chief Consul. All Consuls of the Republic sit on the Council of the Republic, an institution which will be further elaborated upon in this document.

II. The Consulate is apolitical, and thus its members do not vote in elections or referenda, and abstain from certain Council functions. Consuls of the Republic may maintain their convictions but give up these certain aspects of standard citizen rights.

II. The Consulate is tasked with organizing the Council of the Republic and its Delegates, as well as any other organizational mandated duties.

III. The Consulate is to ensure the longevity and stability of the region, as a guiding hand rather than a micromanaging institution, and thus its succeeding members are selected by the three Consuls at the time of this document’s ratification.

IV. The tenure of a Consul of the Republic is until their resignation or until they become unable to fill their position.

V. The Oath of Office for a Consul of the League of Conservative Nations is as follows. "I, as a Consul of the League of Conservative Nations, one of the three Heads of State, vow to serve within the Charter as my mandate, vow to ensure the government representation of the public, and vow to use my power and impartiality for the longevity, freedom, and prosperity of the region."


This is the section of the constitution that Nexus has issues with. Something interesting to note is that Nexus was on the NRC. As such, his concerns about the future of democracy would have been made clear in the NRC’s governmental chat. His peers who sat on the NRC’s discord chat have made the following claims.

“Nexus did not have this concern for the consulate”

“In complete honesty the only thing he expressed concerns about was my sexuality”

“The NRC was a while ago, but to my knowledge the Nexus Union did not express concerns over the power of the Consulate. He did not display grievances with the system of government that he had a hand in creating.”

These statements seem to suggest that a change in opinion has occurred. This change in opinion seems to coincide with the Nexus’s resignation on November 9th of last year and the long stretch in which he was gone from the region. I think that the changes in our legal documentation have a clear line of progression, and I’m interested as to why someone would want the region to regress to the days of glory which quickly faded into boredom.

[EDIT] A new response from someone on the NRC was received.

"I'm not in that group anymore, and that was pretty long ago, so I'm not sure if my answer will be helpful at all, but from what I remember, Nexus never had high concerns about the consulate's power. At least nothing in the level of what he has recently been doing."

The article was well received by the public.

Article 9 (ED 1)

Article 9 - Happy Rule 6 Day!

This holiday is in celebration of yesterday's productive day in which Greater Sacramento, Creeperopolis, and Nexus all broke rule #6 at each other on the discord all day!

Fun Facts about Rule 6 Day-

Over 50% of all rule #6 warns were on Rule 6 day!

50% of the 50% of all rule #6 warns are attributable to Nexus!

Leaving VC is a rule 6 violation - Quebecshire

6 is the first number in 69... ;)

This holiday, while unofficial, has support from government figures already!

The article was well received by the public.

Article 10 (ED 1)

Article 10 - Edition Wrap-up

This being article ten of Edition 1 means that it also happens to be the end of Edition 1, but Edition 1 is not the end of The 5th Column (I may have use the phrase Edition 1 a few too many times there). However, now that we've "sorted" our internal issues with our one employee unionizing and demanding weekends off, we can continue to provide you with the most revolutionary news. And believe me, there's plenty of spice to be harvested from NS.

But piss-poor half-baked references to Dune aside, hopefully the newspaper will continue to flourish!

Thanks to you, readers.

The article was well received by the public.

Edition 2

Article 1 (ED 2)

A Call to All Freethinkers - Article 1

Editor's note; The following content had to undergo an unprecedented amount of censorship for the safety of the author in our harsh, authoritarian state.

The League of Conservative Nations likes to market itself as a democratic region that accepts people of diverse political ideologies and that allows freedom of expression. One might see several government positions, frequent elections, and a long constitution and think “Oh, what a free and flourishing intellectual space!” However, I have had experiences that contradict this appealing mask that the region wears to impress external viewers. In reality, the LCN practices many forms of brainwashing on its populace.

I feel qualified to express my misgivings with the LCN because I have not yet been indoctrinated into their cult-like mindset. [redacted for author safety by TFC] which allowed me to view the LCN’s internal conduct without fully losing myself to their wicked but masterful brainwashing. However, I must admit with a heavy heart that only a few days ago I [redacted for author safety by TFC]. I was extorted and manipulated by the highest government officials. But my mind and soul are fortunately still safe from their tight grip. With all this said, I intend to expose some of the LCN’s brainwashing techniques and urge other freethinkers to rebel as well.

The first and most obvious tactic is in their name. League of Conservative Nations. How can this region be a place of free thought when its very name attempts to instill right-wing ideas into anyone who reads it? This is one of their methods of subliminal thought manipulation. Repeatedly say “League of Conservative Nations, League of Conservative Nations, League of Conservative Nations,” and you will find that you begin to think conservative values are the norm in society, that anything not conservative is radical. Many of the poor citizens of the LCN cannot help themselves but accept conservatism because of these tactics.

Secondly, the LCN’s imagery instills imperialistic and conservative values into the populace. The most used symbol by the region is the eagle, which is linked to right-wing and imperialistic nations, such as the United States of America and Nazi Germany. Americans use the eagle as their national animal and the Third Reich frequently depicted the Riechsadler. This symbolism is used to indoctrinate LCNers into the right-wing. Also, the LCN’s most used colors, red and blue, are shared by militaristic, white supremacist America.

Although this may not be considered brainwashing, the LCN intentionally confuses its populace to maintain unquestioned supremacy. For example, the executive branch is called the “Consulate” and the legislative branch is called the “Council”. The higher ups obviously named these separate branches very similar names to confuse people into accepting authoritarianism. If I were to question a Consul’s action based on the limitations described in the constitution, the Consul may lie and reply “that limitation actually only applies to the Council, not Consuls.” And I would be convinced that I probably misread the constitution and confused “Consul” with “Council.” These methods of suppression are ridiculous and utterly unacceptable.

On the topic of suppression, the LCN frequently misuses rules, specifically Rule 6, to silence unwanted opinions. If you were to express an opinion against Donald Trump or Adolf Hitler, several people and institutions (including the Consuls, Council Delegates, Police Force, Intelligence Agency, Armed Forces, etc) would charge you with violating Rule 6. They might say it is simply a joke, but this is another one of their masks. The origin of this rule actually stems from the suppression of a fellow freethinker who stated his grievances with the Consulate’s authoritarianism.

Personally I have experienced several attempts at indoctrination throughout my time in the LCN. However a very recent incident stood out to me and actually pushed me into writing this article. On [redacted for author safety by TFC], I made the grave mistake of applying for citizenship in the LCN. The subliminal messages and indoctrination must have gotten to me for I succumbed and sent in my application. I quickly regretted my decision. That same day, Chief Consul Quebecshire informed me that I was required to undergo an interrogation in an undisclosed location before I could become a citizen. I wanted to retract my application or postpone this questioning, but Quebecshire’s method of manipulation and intimidation forced me into it. He said on that same day:

[redacted for author safety by TFC]

I could not resist the pull of his aggressive tone, so I agreed to be interrogated. The very next second I was in a private chat with Quebecshire and one of his goons who was there as intimidation. Then ensued a series of detailed questions which were meant to root out any anti-Consulate thinking. Quebecshire maintained his authoritative tone, at one point he even said “please answer promptly” in order to pressure me into revealing my true beliefs. Despite the traumatizing events that occured in that interrogation room, I managed to escape with a still free thinking mind. If that is what every citizen undergoes then there is no hope for free expression in the LCN.

It would not be a mistake nor an exaggeration to view me as a Marat of the modern age. Although the ideas and criticisms I expressed above may not seem radical to external viewers and the unindoctrinated, I assure you that LCNers will view this article as an extremist manifesto. I have asked the publisher of this respectable journal to keep my identity anonymous to ensure my safety, but I fear I have revealed too much with my personal accounts. As with Marat, do not be surprised if you find me lying dead, not in a bathtub, but in the Boneyard through some form of corruption in cooperation with the Nationstates Moderators. The Consulates have a record of silencing those with different ideologies (Consulate, more like Charlotte Cordayulate). Nevertheless, I am willing to martyr myself for the sake of freedom and liberty. This article is meant to inspire other free spirits within the LCN who can still think independently despite the brainwashing and manipulation.

The article was well received by the public.

Article 2 (ED 2)

Are We Overpaying for Sweatshop Underwear? - Article 2

After being informed that the last article could have been decrypted hostile actors- We have adopted new security measures as well as a new "DRM" features. As such, the article has been effectively mangled into random letters, and the formating is gone. However, upon purchasing this [url=https://www.nationstates.net/page=deck/card=105579/season=1]card...[/url] (minimum bid 0.11 u) you will have permanent and eternal rights to do whatever you wish with the article!*

First, an explanation of my logic. If I’m going to buy clothes that have been produced in a sweatshop, or with child labor, then I, as a consumer, should see some of those savings in the cost of manufacture. Now that sounds horrible- And it is! But if my clothes are made unethically to reach a smaller price, then why does a pack of five pair of undies at the store cost $25 dollars? Shops typically put on a 40% markup on clothes. It’s not too much considering that they need to pay employees, usually at US minimum wage (except when they hire illegal immigrants for less). Overall, bleh. Amazon will hopefully help with this by removing the downtime that exists for employees at a brick and mortar stores. Want to know the cost before the shipping and shops? $1.15. So, you have to spend nearly five times the cost of manufacture if you just want your underwear? And five dollars a pair is for cheap men’s underwear, if you’re an oppressed women, then you could end up saddled with prices of eight to ten dollars for your underwear.

Now if that isn’t outrageous, I don’t know what is.

Clearly, this is another part of the patriarchal ‘pink tax’ that I’ve learnt so much about on EverydayFeminism! What are We to DO?

We live in a world that has people work in inhumane conditions, sometimes for over twelve hours a day, without breaks, just so that they can rip us off at the clothing store. The solution is obvious- As consumers, we must demand that the industry change for the better. Specifically, they need to stop demanding so much money from us for our clothes.

Go through the following link- After we gain enough signatures, we can confront Kohls on twitter.

Click here to sign![4]

Unless your name starts with a "Q"

The article was well received by the public.

Article 3 (ED 2)

Quebecshire defeats Gagium in polls, and MineCraft - Article 3

Today, Gagium challenged Quebecshire to a mono e mono fight to the death to settle matters.

Gagium screen.png

After the fight, (which you can watch Linkhere*), both sides had something to say... But because what they have to say isn't as important as what I have to say (otherwise you'd just talk to them, right), I'm going to first tell you that Quebecshire tried using fire, an axe, and was doing okay, but what finally defeated Gagium was Quebecshire dabbing on him- sadly, this wasn't captured in the video.

"[boring stuff about Gagium not being that bad or something] LCN forever!" - Quebecshire

"Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient." - Gagium

As well, an election was started by the FCN government to see the next rightful ruler.

Fcn electio.png

As you can see, Gagium is only winning if you include puppets of the Gagium Mafia, but has an overwhelming majority if you remove Quebecshire's cronies.

Overall, a good fight

real link this time, not Sexy_Kangaroo.exe[5]

The article was very well received by the public.

Article 4 (ED 2)

Corrupt School Boards Threatening America? - Article 4

After a long hiatus (112 days), The Fifth Column is back to provide the LCN population with more of the most revolutionary news around.

And now we go to our correspondent on the ground, who is exposing the balant corrupt of America’s school boards. Because of the massive power held by school boards, he has requested to remain anonymous. His story will shock you.

Spode: So you went to your school board to make your proposal?

Anon: Yeah, I just wanted to help out with the vaping issue. It’s really bad at our school, and I thought my proposal could help them out

Spode: So what was the plan laid out by your proposal?

Anon: Well, firstly, new posters- The current ones are both ineffective, and to be honest? Lame. Secondly, I think empowering students to take action themselves could help our school enforce its rules. Thirdly, I really wanted our school to stop being so reactive, and start being more proactive.

Spode: What were the posters before, and how do you believe they should be improved?

Anon: Here’s the original poster, and the one I was proposing they use. The difference is pretty clear.

Schoo2l.jpg

Schoo3l3.jpg

Spode: Can you elaborate on what you meant by “more proactive”?

Anon: I proposed that the school start putting nicotine inhibitors into school lunches. That way, the majority of students would not be able to experience the effects of nicotine even if they got ahold of an e-Cigarette. I was thinking of something like Varenicline, and our school might have been able to get a deal for it in bulk, but since the school board’s decision, I don’t think we’re going to go in that direction.

Spode: What was the school board’s decision?

Anon: I’m not sure, but while the security guards were taking me out, they said something about me not even being on the agenda. Clearly, this means that they’re getting their agenda from our town’s cigarette stores.

Spode: That’s very unfortunate! What do you have planned next?

Anon: There’s a plastic works nearby that makes eCigerette cartridges, which hasn’t gotten security cameras put in yet...

The article was very well received by the public.

Exclusive Articles

Exclusive 1

Whitelist Campaign Creator had Troubled Past!

Whitelist Campaign Bad

Remember, your upvotes are what keeps The Fifth Column alive!

Recently, a fellow by the name of Twins of Hearts has come along and published (perhaps republished) a manifesto on why blacklisting is not good for NationStates. Before we continue, I heavily suggest that you read the original document.

The Whitelist Campaign (WIP)[6]

Now, I hold a number of issues with the ideas behind the White List. Namely, it does not provide a definition of blacklisting in the context of NS, the very thing it's supposed to combat. Instead, we can get thing from Twins of Hearts's telegram campaign. He states,

"Currently, most “experienced” game play nations actively utilize an informal system called The Blacklist. You can easily get on the blacklist, however it is currently not possible to get off the blacklist. Some nations have been on it for years!"

and

"Whatever replaces the current system and the architects behind it that use the Blacklist as a way to oppress instead of to assist is the goal."

Now, as readers, we need to ask ourselves two things Firstly,

a. Where's the evidence of an extensive multiregional blacklisting system?

and secondly,

b. If such a system exists, what should be done about it?

First off, we use google. If there's a gigantic informal blacklisting system stretching across years of time as ToH implies, we're sure to see discussion about it! Except we aren't. The only results are the fight he instigated in the forums about the matter, a small region that uses a local blacklist (Official European Union), and someone talking about getting a TG from ToH about it. That's not a lot to look at, so let's dive deeper into the rabbit hole.

The Church of Satan made a post in this forum thread[7] pointing out that Twins of Hearts has some personal stakes involved in this topic. Because Twins of Hearts managed to lose his citizenship in the rejected realms. And what did he lose it for?

Blackmailing someone! Well, that escalated quickly.

"It doesn't work like that. He's entitled to an appeal. And Twins of Hearts the reason you were deemed a security risk is because you threatened to blackmail another citizen. Releasing another person's personal information told to you in strict confidence makes you a danger to the community. You violated the trust of someone who thought you were their friend because you lost an election. That is unacceptable." - The Church of Satan

Quoted from here[8]

Well, that's fairly damning, now isn't it. What's even more damning is the response by ToH...

That is categorically incorrect. Blackmail implies I wanted something from the purported victim. At the time of the argument we were having folks.....yes this was an argument....I was NOT a member of TRR any longer. Personal information? I was going to release discord chats of the person scheming with me against dozens of other folks and regions!! This was to demonstrate not only am I not, NOT breaking any sort of taboo that the populist socialites have misconstrued into a "rule" , but in fact the other individual was a complicit participant.

The Fact is this is over 9 MONTHS AGO. The other individual just the other day told me they don't care about any of it, its history etc. YOU, the citizenship committee, etc are keeping it alive by waving this old argument around as a method to reject me from citizenship because I rage quit from an RO position 3 months before that. You know, you do not have the same right to be as picky with whom are citizens here, this is a place meant for those kicked out, displaced etc from other places. If you want to be as picky as a UCR maybe folks should go join one. This is THE SINK!

Comment away TOADS, your right to free speech is just as protected as my right to be a citizen here :)

Yes, clearly the best defense here is saying "it wasn't technically blackmail".

So what we have here is someone who did something bad saying that he wants himself and others who have done even worse things to be reinserted into communities that have decried their behavior. Because clearly, when someone gets banned from a community for engaging in horrible behaviors, they are victim, and they need help.

Yeah no.

It isn't bullying to not allow bullies in your friend group.

Spode Publishing Industries

The article was well received by the public.

Exclusive 2

WA Elite Exposed

The 5th Column

Bringing you NS's most revolutionary news

Also pls upvote, it helps the article in the dispatch list


Terminology, for people who don't know about acronyms and naming conventions on NS

Confederacy of Corrupt Dictators, a region owned by Jocospor, referred to hence as CCD.

WA, World Assembly

SC, Security Council, division of the World Assembly

Now that we've got the Drew Durnill fans up to speed, let's move on....


Something that’s important to note about The 5th Column is that often, we don’t seek out the news for a story, the news comes to us. The second thing to note is that I really hate unsolicited telegrams. In fact, that’s what had me getting that white list booty around three months back. So when someone sends me not one, but FOUR unsolicited telegrams, it’s no surprise that I’m going to be pissed (Kuriko gets a pass because of the free potatoes, which I’m still waiting for).

So what’s so goddamned important it warrants sending me four telegrams? Well, apparently there’s a group of shadowy figures that controls the World Assembly, known as the “World Assembly Elite”, that have been behind the scenes and manipulating everything and everyone!

Well, that sounds like news!

Doing some investigation, I’ve discovered who is pushing the idea of a World Assembly Elite, and it turns out to be Jocospor and his right hand man, ShrewLlamaLand, which I’ll be abbreviating to SLL. And ooh boy, this is going to get controversial quick.


The part that might get this dispatch deleted

Considering that The Fifth Column already skirts the line of LCN law fairly regularly- To quote Quebecshire,

“I shouldn’t have to explain to you why hiring indonesians to commit cybercrime is a problem”

and

“If you weren’t the LCNIA director, this would be against the law”

....Well, we’re gonna have to get creative to avoid any potential legal trouble.

So the following section is a metaphor…

Imagine you’re walking along a street and see a building labelled with a sign that says in bold lettering: “Puppy Eaters”. You go up to the window and ask if they really eat puppies, and the people inside say that they only pretend to eat puppies.

Later in the day, multiple people come out of the building and tell you that the people inside do in fact eat puppies, and provide you pictures of skinned puppies hanging from butcher racks. Now you head right back to the building and ask them if this is true. Instead of addressing the pictures, they say that the people that left are just haters and that you shouldn’t trust them.

The next day, the people in the “Puppy Eaters” and the people in the “Kitten Eaters” hold a party. You find this odd- The “Kitten Eaters” have no qualms about disclosing their culinary habits, and associating with them is just going to be bad press for the “Puppy Eaters”, who strongly maintain that they don’t actually eat puppies.

And two leaders of these “Puppy Eaters” keep telling the people who left weird and threatening messages about how they might have pictures of them eating small animals themselves….

You might, based on this, think that maybe the Puppy Eaters and their leaders aren’t the most reputable.

And while I don't have proof that certain individuals who may or may not be the CCD eat puppies and other small animals (yet, if you do, hit me up), I certainly have evidence that shows that they have OOC financial relations with fascists on NationStates.

Puppy eaters.png

That, my friends, is known as a big oof moment

But ya know, besides trying to get people who deny the holocaust and claim that Max Barry is part of a Jewish conspiracy to give them money (yes, really), do they actually have a point?


Well Yes, But Actually No Well, they believe that every regional WA delegate is technically part of the world assembly elite, because they have quote unquote “undue” influence. And, I mean, it isn't a great argument, seeing as it's basically just a rehashing of the representative vs. direct democracy argument being ctrl C ctrl Ved into the world of NationStates. But delegates who have a large number of WA endorsements aren't the only ones who have been labelled as WA elite by Jocospor and SLL.... There's *inhales*

Veterans of the SC forums

People not typically associated with the WA but who ran against them in the election

Anyone voting against Jocospor

There is a problem here though....

The SC forums are filled with a bunch of people with knives, uh no, metaphorical knives at each other's throats, all trying to push their region's own agenda, to the detriment of all other regions if necessary. Then people like The ထာဝရပျော်ရွှင် ကြောင်ကမ္ဘာ of Valentine Z are almost completely detached from those forums...

So how the hell did Jocospor and SLL manage get all of these people to form a working coalition to challenge Jocospor at the box office?


Here's how
Group How CCD made them A N G E R Y
Gameplay Having some real toxic stuff on their discord server, and then trying to blame the people who leaked the information
Raiders (specifically The Black Hawks) Tried to repeal their condemnations, which they wanted to keep as symbol of pride
ANTIFA The whole 'allying with literal neonazis' thing
SC drafting regulars SLL tried to get them to pass a bill praising CCD, and submitted it with no drafting process, breaking the conventions of the SC. Oh, and then didn't get over the fact that it didn't pass for the next two years.
The North Pacific Attempted to overthrow their duly elected government
Everyone Allegedly attempting to doxx a site moderator
yikes

maybe they shouldn't have done those things.

Something the CCD uses to defend its actions is by claiming that they're all IC, or in character.

I mean, the LCN has an RP with some nations that are definitely actively engaged in fascistic governments... But there's an important distinction- The LCN has an RP. The CCD is the RP. When someone makes an RP post in a region where the RP is separate from the region itself, you can distinguish between the player, and the mask they wear for RPing. I don't think you can do that with a region like the CCD, because they claim that actions that would be OOC (out of character) anywhere else, such as embassy establishments, regional foreign policy, etc. are actually IC.

But if every time you log in, you're putting on the mask of a horrible person, and make your actions based on that persona... How are people ever supposed to know that you aren't a horrible person? On the internet, nobody knows you're not a dog, but that means you need to be responsible for how you are perceived by others.


In conclusion, The CCD has

smol pp energy

if you thought that this article was going to stick to an analysis of IC vs OOC actions and not genitalia humor for more than a paragraph, I'm afraid that you're looking for NStoday's wonderful opinion article, linked Linkhere.

Hmmm... If only there was another government that said that a small number of people built up an elite that controlled everything... That would make for a real nice and lazy comparison... Nah.


Based Links / Sources

These people, The Chuck and South Reinkalistan are expatriates from the CCD. Without their posts on the forums and dispatches, a lot of the information that informed this article would still be under wraps.

Quarrels & Quislings: My Experiences as the former Confederation of Corrupt Dictators Discord Administrator Part I[9]

"The Chuck" Speech[10]

"South Reinkalistan" Speech[11]

Stay Revolutionary!

Yes, the title is clickbait. No, I'm not sorry.

Previous work from Spode Publishing Industries

Whitelist Campaign Creator had Troubled Past! - The Fifth Column Exclusive Article[12]

The 5th Column[13]

The article was well received by the public.

Video Productions

The Fifth Column Live Episode #1

The video contained many spelling errors and alarmingly loud music which drowned out the voices of the participants in the interview. Even with the poor quality, the public's reaction was generally positive, with such praise as

"amazing interview"

Creeperopolis

"I do agree with the Trumpet's point to some extent but the drums make a more comprehensive argument"

Greater Sacramento

The 5th Column[14]

Criticism and controversies

Naughty words scandal

When The 5th Column was publishing its 7th article titled "Article 7 - An Open Letter to Farmers," the article was pulled for its usage of foul language in the article. After negotiating with the publisher, the foul language was censored and the newspaper was allowed to publish the article.

Server scandal

The main server for The 5th Column was exposed by Creeperopolis to be involved in publicly undisclosed spying operations. This resulted in the destruction of said server and the recruitment of former 'reporters' as LCNIA personnel. Charges were not pressed against the owner of The 5th Column due to the fact that what was done was "not illegal" due to technicalities regarding the position of LCNIA director.

Reputation

The 5th Column is known across the entire League of Conservative Nations for its truthfulness and revolutionary news.

See Also

References

  1. "The 5th Column Main Page". Retrieved July 16, 2020.
  2. "Article 5 Link". August 1, 2019.
  3. "Vision Zero Which Make Car Crashed Unsurvivable". Retrieved July 16, 2020.
  4. "Survey Planet". Retrieved July 16, 2020.
  5. "Endgame 2". September 1, 2019.
  6. "The Whitelist Campaign (WIP)". Retrieved July 16, 2020.
  7. "Exclusive Article 1 Thread". January 14, 2020.
  8. "Exclusive Article 1 Quote". Retrieved January 14, 2020.
  9. "Quarrels & Quislings: My Experiences as the former Confederation of Corrupt Dictators Discord Administrator Part I". Retrieved July 17, 2020.
  10. ""The Chuck" Speech". January 28, 2020.
  11. ""South Reinkalistan" Speech". January 29, 2020.
  12. "Whitelist Campaign Creator had Troubled Past! - The Fifth Column Exclusive Article". Retrieved July 17, 2020.
  13. "The 5th Column". Retrieved July 17, 2020.
  14. "The 5th Column Live". Retrieved July 29, 2020.